The Wilderness

This Lenten Season has been more difficult for me than most. I have been struggling with these deep feelings of emptiness and loneliness. It did not make sense to me to feel this way when I am so in love with God and with the Church. I usually walk away from Church feeling exuberant, joyful and full of God's Love for all of us.

But lately I have not been feeling that way. After Mass, I have felt empty. Not empty in the sense that God is not there or that my faith is in question. That is simply not an issue for me. Oh, I feel God's presence, but He has not been filling me with His presence the way He usually does and it is an odd feeling. I could not understand why (though I know He has a good reason). But then I realized what He is doing.

The Season of Lent is a time to empty ourselves. We are to empty ourselves of everything. We do not say "Alleluia" because we cannot say it - we live through 40 days as if Jesus' salvific event on the Cross has not yet occured. We do not say "Alleluia" because we do not have such a thing to celebrate (figuratively speaking). We sacrifice something for this time (I gave up meat) while we contemplate Jesus' sacrifice for ourselves. It is a time to reflect upon ourselves as a sinful people, as miserable creatures unworthy of God's Love.

We are emptied and pour all that remains of ourselves into the crevices of humility and sacrifice. We are journeying with Moses in the wilderness, we are journeying with Hagar after she was cast out with her son, we are journeying with Jesus. Moses led the Israelites for 40 years with no true idea of where they were going or how they were to survive - every day was a gift from God and they survived because God kept His promises.

Hagar was sent away with her son Ishmael where they were on the verge of death. She knew that death was imminent so she placed her son under a shrub and she sat down away from him, so that they could die. Her last words were "let me not watch to see the child die." God heard their cries and delivered them, promising Hagar to make Ishmael a great nation and they survived because God kept His promises.

Jesus spent 40 days in the wilderness. Jesus, the Son of God, both human and divine, lived in the desert with nothing for 40 days. He suffered temptation and he conquered it. Jesus did not triumph against the enemy in the desert simply because He is the Third Person in the Trinity for that would mean that sin cannot be conquered by anyone who is not God. Jesus was also human and his ability to resist temptation was a human act of faith in a God who keeps His promises.

No we cannot be perfect, but we have it in us to persevere, to never give up, to always try to do better. God calls us to be Holy as He is Holy, we are called to be Saints and to ask ourselves, "what would Jesus do?" Being a Christian is not about always having fun and feeling God's love everywhere you go. Being Christian is also about suffering, serving others, making difficult sacrifices, but above all, trusting God. God wants me to be empty of Him right now, He knows that I need this wilderness, my own personal desert of temptation in order to grow as His child.

Yes, I will stumble, I will make mistakes and I will sin - I am not perfect and far from being a Saint. But I try, I confess my sins, strive to do better and trust that God will keep His promises. Moreover, I know that as I reach the climax of the Lenten Season - the Triduum, I will be stripped of all that remains of me, completely empty and barren as a deep canyon only to be wholly filled once more during the Easter Vigil - the Holiest Day of the Liturgical Year.

Lord, I offer to you all that I am and all that I want for myself. I ask you to use me in accordance with your will. Please help me to use the Season of Lent to empty myself of my selfishness, pettiness and greed so that I can be filled more fully with your Love. I pray that you grant me the grace I need to accept your will in my life, to be a better Christian and steward to my neighbors and to be the person you created me to be. In your Holy name I pray. Amen.

The Lord Is my Hope

When things were going badly for me, it seemed easier. If my job was not going well or friendships were strained, I could say, trust in God. He has the best in mind for me (and for all of us)...but it seems easier to say this when things are going bad because it is the comforting solution. But what about when things are not going badly?

I do not necessarily mean that they are going well, I just mean that they are not bad... If my job is going badly and I think it might be time to leave, so I start looking and schedule a job interview...then it starts going better.

So I still don't like my job, but it pays well and I am good at it. It pays enough that I can support myself, go to school and get out of debt in the next three years so I can be debt free in time to enter doctoral studies. But if I leave, what if I get a position where I am not as valued (reduced job security), that does not pay as well and hinders my plans.... Then again, who I am to question events as affecting my plans?

The point of trusting God is trusting that His plan is the best. I don't need to leave my job and I don't need to stay. The only thing I need is to earn enough money to support myself in order to live out God's will for me. Furthermore, if I am living out His will, then I will be able to support myself in the way He has planned for me.

This is the point of surrendering one's self to God. I surrender myself to God's will and whatever that means for me... The point is that following God's will will lead to happiness - greater happiness than any earthly pleasure. This is because God wants the best for us and to say 'yes' to God, you are also saying 'yes' to yourself in the truest sense.

It is not easy to Trust God, in fact, trusting Him is one of the hardest things to do because everything inside of us tells us to trust the world, to trust material things and to trust what "feels" good. These are the things that can make us happy in the most immediate way, but this will not last. It is a false contentment, it is all a deception because in the end, it will leave us feeling empty.

I spent many years searching for happiness in love, money, success, possessions, social status, etc. What I found was that none of this ever lead to any sort of true, lasting happiness, joy or peace. I found peace and joy in the Lord. He is everything I need, he is everything any of us need. He is all we need.

The Lord Is my hope and my glory.
The Lord is the song that I sing:
so tender and loving a shepherd,
so rooted in justice, a king (merciful king).
When shadow confuses my vision,
when sorrow lays claim to my heart,
God is my refuge, my rock and my shield.
I will rely on the Lord.

Only in God

Living in this world can be so challenging at times. I sometimes look around and don't see God in the world. People can be so uncompromising, so confrontational, so intent on being right and having the last word that they forget to be people. What is the purpose of this life but to be neighbors to one another? To love one another?

I work for a company that does not practice this as a basic value. As in most corporate jobs, it is not about people, it is about money. In a way, we are living in a very idolatorous world where our god has been replaced with the almighty dollar. I suppose it is ironic that our currency does its best to remind us where to put our trust, "In God we Trust!" Yet, even then the world wants to silence the green god and turn to worship the the things we can buy with it.

Truth has been dismantled and shredded so that people cannot recognize it anymore. The truth today is up to each person to decide. We can all have our own truths and live by our own standards - case in point: observe drivers during rush hour traffic. You will see every type of driver, every truth - the driver who will fight you inch by inch before letting you get in front; the driver who will cut you off and then make random hand gestures for being in his or her way in the first place; the driver who will graciously slow down and let you and maybe even one or two others in front.

This is our world. Most people want to be first and will fight before letting anyone get in the way of that. Others see your joy and want to cut you off and then chastise you for any little thing just so he or she can feel better about him or herself. But some people see you as a brother or a sister and want the best for you. They help you acheive your goals and nurture you in community. But how many people like the latter do you know for each of two other types of people that you know?

Sure, it is not so black and white. We all have bad days and make mistakes and that is the power of forgiveness...but that is not what I am talking about here. My point is the people who do not seek forgiveness because according to their truths, their behaviors are perfectly acceptable. Who's truth made it ok to kill children? Who's truth made sexual promiscuity something to be proud of? Who's truth reduced the importance of family values, the need to properly discern relationships before marriage and the simplicity of divorce.

Who's truth made it ok to say, "its not sex if you use a condom," "if you get pregnant, you can get an abortion, so no big deal," or "just marry him, if it doesn't work out there is always divorce."

I know I am being very soapbox-ish right now but I live in a world where this truth prevails, we all do. It is disheartening. I am critisized for my faith. As a Christian, it is painful for people to tell me that my faith offends them (and I wasn't even talking to them about it but another Christian) but yet they can tell crude jokes, make obscene references and not think anything of it. I just do not understand how this world can be so confused and backwards.

How did we get here? It pains me to see it every day. It hurts to be rejected for my faith. It leaves me feeling sad, empty, hopeless and alone.

It is at times like this that I remember, God is not dead. He is very much alive and He is the only Truth, the absolute Truth and there can be no other. God is everything and He is everywhere. I believe that He cries too over the injustice in the world...He cries because He loves us so much. But He also stands firm next to those who refuse to hear Him...but He does not stand there to chastise or to punish. He stands there to love them and He waits for them to turn to Him and love Him too.

God knows how long He waited for me...but when I was finally ready, I did turn to Him and He forever changed my life. He brings me comfort in my sorrows, joy in my heartbreak and love in my lonliness. I know Love because God showed me His unending fountain of Love for all of us. He is the mountain that will never tremble, He is God, He is Love and He is amazing.

Only in God is my soul at rest, in Him comes my salvation.
He only is my Rock, my strength and my salvation.

My stronghold, my Savior, I shall not be afraid at all.
My stronghold, my Savior, I shall not be moved.

Only in God is found safety when my enemy pursues me.
Only in God is found glory when I am found meek and found lowly.

My stronghold, my Savior, I shall not be afraid at all.
My stronghold, my Savior, I shall not be moved.

Only in God is my soul at rest, in Him comes my salvation.

One Beautiful Journey

I heard a song by David Thies, a folk singer who ministers to others through his music, called One Beautiful Journey. In this song he tells us that when we follow God's will, we will, in all likelihood, not end up where we expected to, but it will be one beautiful journey. This song makes me reflect upon my life in a more meaningful way.

Recently, I have been plagued with self-doubts and a sense that I am lost. It has been troubling to me when just a few days before that I felt so enriched through the love of God and of my community, so it made me ask myself why. Why is this happening right now and what is the purpose of it all?

I have been contemplating this all weekend and all day long and I still don't know the answer. However, what I do know is that God promises us that He has our best interest in mind. That is how we can know it is and will be one beautiful journey. By being in God's will, we know the end will be good even if the journey is vastly different from our plans.

This brings to mind two scripture passages:

‎"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

"Always be ready to give an explanation to anyone who asks you for a reason for your hope." 1 peter 3:15

How can we explain our hope, even in the face of criticism, rejection, suffering and pain? How can we even know the concept of hope in the face of evil, hatred and intolerance? What does it even mean to hope in a world where people don't acknowledge one transcendental truth but the relativistic truth of all people...where God is seen as a whimsical fantasy of a forgotten time...and people value material wants over the spiritual and physical needs of their neighbors?

This is the question I pose in this blog and these are the issues I want to address. But I cannot address these things by posting a series of lectures on my theology of hope. I cannot do this because I don't know the answer either. I know that my hope come from the Lord, that he wants the best for me and you and all things will work towards that...but what does this mean for those of us who must live in this world?

Thus, I will respond to this by living in the world. By experiencing the world day by day and seeing every experience as one facet of my explanation for the reason for my hope.

Trust God and know that where ever you end up, it will be beautiful!

“I can’t say it’s going my way, but it’s still one beautiful journey” -David Thies, http://davidthiesmusic.com/